by Nomon Tim Burnett
March 01, 2009
Responding Gate
A monthly letter from Spiritual Director Nomon Tim Burnett
March 2009
Dear Sangha,
I set out in December and into our Winter Practice Period to study kindness. I guess I was concerned about a feeling of narrowness and tightness in my heart. That I wasn't being fully kind to myself and others. That I am great at doing and getting stuff done, much of that in service of others, but not so much at fully being generous in spirit and heart.
I am surprised by what I found and oddly it took me exactly to the end of practice period to make some discoveries and, I think, a real change in feeling. I am struggling now to describe this. It seems to have to do with softness and warmth. With directing my energy more towards giving and reducing taking. More on that in a minute.
During sesshin I prepared a dharma talk which originally I thought would be about the precepts. About a class on the precepts that Nancy and I taught. As I considered that class I found myself feeling a powerful feeling of disconnect and dissatisfaction. I couldn't tell at first if I was somehow unhappy with how the class had gone - I knew that everyone in the class really appreciated it - or if I was somehow unhappy with myself. That maybe my presentation of the Dharma was incomplete or not what I meant to say, or maybe that I was too busy or distracted to ever really focus on what was really true for me in precepts practice.
And I as I studied my feeling in preparing for this talk (giving a talk is a great focusser!) I realized that my problem was some unacknowledged deep feeling. Some deep feeling in my heart that I was not allowing myself to fully feel. Then listening to music during a workday I heard a song by the Canadian singer-songrwriter Bruce Cockburn called "Pacing the Cage" and I knew that was it. A new insight into dukkha, into the first noble truth of Buddha that all conditioned existence has this quality of dis-ease and dis-satisfaction was opening up to me. I was feeling more fully the ways in which I am trapped. And in our conditioned lives of striving and yearning we are all trapped. It felt not like my problem exactly but like just how it goes, just this human life. And it felt to me like the only way forward was to feel more fully, much more fully the depth of the human experience and open to this suffering.
So my dharma talk about the precepts turned out to be a dharma talk about deeply embracing the dark side of human life, the seldom acknowledged suffering of being a person. And what Bruce Cockburn's song reminded me is that really feeling suffering is not icky, it doesn't have to be awful and painful exactly, it can actually be quite beautiful. So beautiful. To cry fully at our live, at our suffering human life, and through the prisms of those tears we see how perfect this life is too. By feeling how trapped we area we are at the same time completely liberated.
But we can't just think about this, we can't just talk about this, we have to feel it. To deeply feel it. I don't think there is exactly a recipe or a set of steps that will allow us to more deeply feel our lives. For me the recipe this time was several years of working too hard, or pushing myself to hard to produce and to serve and with my head down not really noticing the many ways in which I was both hemming myself in and cutting myself off. I am surrounded by people all the time. At home with my family, virtually online with co-workers and clients, with the sangha at the Dharma Hall several times a week, and yet I see now that I was increasingly not really there. I was always looking ahead towards the next task. I was moving fast and doing my best, my very best, but now something has shifted for me.
The day after the sesshin after sitting for most of three days and giving this strongly emotional talk I woke up in really a difficult state. I had a touch of a cold which really helped me because it gave me a helpful excuse for calling in sick at work. But I wasn't just sick with a cold. I felt deeply heart sick. I cried a bit, read, did some journal writing and correspondence and even (unsual for me) called up an acquantence that I thought would be able to help me and asked for help. I woke up that morning feeling like "this is impossible." At first I thought it was my level of activity that felt impossible. Working 40 hours at my computer programming job, time with family, sangha time, trying to somehow squeeze in a little exercise or a little study time or (rare!) a little time to just be by myself. And I had to face that I couldn't continue. I had to look at this possibility square in the eye.
For a person strongly conditioned towards productivity facing the idea that I could not continue what I was doing was very difficult and yet also deeply theraputic. Eventually my wife got up and we sat in the living room watching the snow fall out the window, cozy on the couch, and considering my life together. Keep reading because I'm not going to quit my job and throw myself upon the mercies of the universe (yet), but part of the process of working with this strong feeling of the impossibility of my life was giving myself permission, and receiving permission, to stop. I see now that we all need this very much. We need permission to stop. To change everything. I received a very helpful long email from a friend counselling me on the one hand not to go quitting my job, that financial stability is actually real and important, but also that a fully lived human live much always include the possibilty of "throwing it all to the wind" letting go and starting anew. And in that snowy moring on the couch with my wife by my side I let myself mentally throw it all to the wind.
As I considered the possibility of quitting my job and trying to set out as a dharma teacher of some kind what was interesting and surprising was what the focus of my fears were. I would think the focus would be on the financial future, that's the story one tells oneself, but actually my fears were about dissapointing people. Rising from childhood and beyond I see that I am deeply conditioned to do all in my power never to disappoint anyone. Images of trying to talk to my boss, my co-workers, even my mom about a decision which I was feeling sure (in my fear) they would never support or even understand came up strongly in the mind. Perhaps this is shame, the shame of not being perfect and endless and unlimited. The shame of letting them down.
I am slowing down a bit and my attitude and approach feels different.
Board News
The Board is very happy to be now
complete (for now!). Mary Apple is
seated and confirmed as our vice president. Thank you to everyone who wrote in
with such positive support for Mary taking on this role in the sangha.
Red Cedar Zen Community Board of Directors
|
Jeff McKenna, President |
pjmck@earthlink.net |
966-3414 |
|
Mary Apple, Vice President |
mo4metta@yahoo.com |
380-3151 |
|
Greg Greenan, Treasurer |
greg@zenderthurston.com |
647-1500 |
|
Brian Davidson, Secretary |
misfit138@hotmail.com |
510-9780 |
|
Tim Burnett, Spiritual Director |
tim@redcedarzen.org |
305-0686 |
Contacting the entire Board by email can be done by emailing a message to
leadership@redcedarzen.org
This will copy every current member.
New phone line at the building (Voice Mail generally checked by Welcome Workgroup) is 360-312-7088
It does quietly ring downstairs you might reach someone if you call during an event.
For more on the Board and the Workgroups please see the new workgroups site. Follow the workgroups link from the main www.redcedarzen.org website or direct link is
http://sites.google.com/site/redcedarzendocs/w/
Workgroup News: April is Volunteering Month
The Board is working on providing a
list of open volunteer positions and materials to explain the workgroup system
more clearly. We have declared April the Month of Volunteering (or somesuch
title). The idea is that in the month of April we will be putting energy into
clarifying volunteer needs, thanking volunteers, and looking to fill in gaps
in the workgroups so we can go forward with strong mutual support for the rest
of the year.
Look for more information in the email about volunteering for the sangha at the end of March.
But for now just two thank yous. Many more to follow:
* Thank you to Don McClary for taking on the important role of Building Manager. This frees Latona Maillard up to train with John Keith as our new Ino.
* Thank you to Joan Dow for stepping into work in the Outreach Workgroup. If you haven't seen the display she set up in the downtown public library on our sangha stop by and see it. It's in the adult stacks on the way to the biography section.
I am happy with how April as Volunteering Month fits into our annual pattern.
We start the year with Winter Practice Period (late Jan - early March), take a little breather in March, in April re-energize our volunteering efforts and organization and do some volunteer work and training into May, in June there is our annual 7-day retreat at Samish, the summer is usually quiet and a time for vacation and sun but we may add a few more events this year certainly we hope to have our picnic with BIMS again, then in the Fall we start back into retreats with our hiking retreat (week after labor day in September), study retreat with Norman (early October), some of us venture across the border for Mountain Rain's 7-day sesshin at Loon Lake (mid-November) and also in November we renew our memberships and gear up for another year as November is now our annual Membership Month.
It's a strong effort to turn this wheel but it's a pattern that feels sustainable. And how wonderful to be able to practice with sangha in whichever way we can. Whether that's an annual visit to Samish, coming to the Dharma Hall, or practicing mostly at home. Sangha is always with us. The support is there. I am more and more working to understand this and feel that support.
Members and Friends - Thank You!
We've very nearly done it. Reliable income from members and renters (including our principal tennant Bellingham Insight Meditation Society) now covers our rent! I am amazed we have made it this far towards sustainabilty this soon. However the monthly utlities ($200-$300/month) are not yet covered by regular income so we are still running at a small loss against our reserves there. However projected income from retreats did allow the Board to pass our first annual budget at our last meeting and it is a balanced budget! We hope overall to break even financially this year…..just barely.
If you have been considering joining as a Member of Red Cedar Zen Community or a Friend of Red Cedar, we are very close to breaking even on monthly expenses from regular income. Can you help?
Thank you again, it's wonderful that we have strong hopes of staying in this wonderful building and sharing our practice from such a warm and inviting base.
Lastly, if memberships grows even further it maybe be possible to reinstate my stipend. This would be very helpful.
If you are interested in the nitty gritty financial reports, and soon the new budget, are posted under the financial workgroup on the website and are posted on the bulletin board by the office in the Dharma Hall. http://sites.google.com/site/redcedarzendocs/w/finance
upcoming events
Red Cedar Zen Community invites you to participate in any of the following upcoming events. For more information about these events, including online registration, visit our web site at www.redcedarzen.org.
March 2009
Saturday morning meditation and breakfast
First and third Saturday mornings, 6am-8:30am
Red Cedar Dharma Hall
The regular 1st and 3rd Saturday morning sit returns with a small twist. We want to keep up our practice of oryoki but we also recognize the value of getting to speak to one and other on Saturday mornings. Thus on the first Saturday of the month breakfast will be oryoki style in the zendo, while on the third Saturday of the month it will be potluck and informal downstairs. If you are not familiar with oryoki you may use regular bowls even during an oryoki meal, just let the tenzo (Chris Burkhart) know. Oryoki sets are available to rent or buy at the Dharma Hall.
Intro to Zen with Seishu John Wiley
Saturday March 21, 9:00am - 1:00pm
Red Cedar Dharma Hall
An introductory class and retreat with lay teacher Seishu John Wiley. The basics on sitting and walking meditation and other ritual forms. On the spirit of living a life of healthy discipline with the guidance of Zen Buddhism. Designed for new students or those wanting to renew and deepen their understanding. There will be plenty of time for questions and discussion. Preregistration request for this class but not for the early morning Saturday Zen and Breakfast (6am - 8:30) which precedes it.
June 2009
Samish Sesshin 2009
Friday June 19, 5:00pm - Saturday June 27, 12 noon
Samish Island
Save the date for Samish 2009. This year's retreat will be a silent Zen sesshin (meditation retreat).
Check back again for registration information. Registration will start in early April. If you are travelling from afar feel free to make your travel arrangements even before registering but plan on registering in April. This retreat did fill last year but not until the last week of registration in June. You will have no trouble getting registered and arranging everything in April or May.
In making your travel plans note the start and end times above, they are accurate. Half time options and scheduling for that still to follow. Samish Island is in the Skagit Valley east of Mount Vernon, Washington. 2 hours from SeaTac airport, less than an hour from Bellingham, and 2-3 hours from Vancouver (depending on the border).
yours,
Tim
Nomon Tim Burnett
Spiritual Director
Resident Priest Nomon Tim Burnett has been a student of Zoketsu Norman Fischer since 1987 when he was a resident at San Francisco Zen Center's Green Gulch Farm. After sitting practice periods at Green Gulch and Tassajara Zen Monastery, Tim helped found the Bellingham Zen Practice Group in 1991. Tim was ordained as a Zen Priest by Norman in June, 2000. Like his teacher, Tim is interested in the possibility of deep and complete practice by lay people.
A person of wide-ranging professional interests, Tim has been a botanist, elementary schoolteacher, writer, and computer programmer. In addition to his work at the Resident Priest of Red Cedar Zen Community, Tim works as a software developer.