given by Nomon Tim Burnett
Red Cedar Dharma Hall
December 09, 2009
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Good evening. I'd like to take a stab this evening at saying something about the Buddhist teachings on non-self. We've all heard something of this and it's pretty confusing. It sounds like they're saying there is no self here, no me - no person with my history and tendencies and passions and ideas. And yet I think there is. I feel like a person. I experience a person here not just a stream of experience. It seems like it's me in here.
But this Buddhist doctrine is not denying that experience, it's saying that we've come to some mistaken conclusions about the nature of our experience as a person. And those mistaken conclusions lead to suffering.
The term in Pali is "anattÄ" which literally means not-self. And this is one of the a set of three really fundamental concepts in Buddhist thought. The Buddha taught that there are all phenomena, not just this person-phenomena, are characterized by three essential qualities, by three marks. AnattÄ is one, and the other two are unsatisfactoriness, or dukkha, and impermanence or annica. While I don't think to practice we should memorize lots of terms in other languages these three are really better expressed in Pali or Sanskrit for us because the English translations have some connotations that are distracting from the point Buddha was trying to make. So anattÄ, annica, and dukkha - the three marks.
Now remember that the central point of all Buddhist teachings is always freedom from suffering. Is always liberation. The Buddha was only interested in analysis of mental and trans-mental phenomena when it served that purpose. He famously refused to answer abstract philosophical questions like "is the nature of the universe permanent?" or suchlike. So let's take up not-self in that context, how could the negation of our imputed idea of a self lead to liberation from suffering because it sounds pretty negative and life-denying in the face of it.
Let me share a story with you from a sesshin I sat. During the all day silent meditation retreat we call sesshin the distractions of daily living are largely removed and the mind in some ways gets quieter but in other ways is quite loud as it has a lot of space to operate in. And so sesshin can be quite peaceful at times and quite intense and full of grist and inner process and noise and emotion at other times. And all the time there's a real sense of things beneath the surface are having some real time and space to bang into each other and, we hope sort themselves out a bit. We had a really wonderful one-day sesshin on Saturday so maybe this makes a little more sense if you were there. There's a tremendous sense of possibility in a kind of unmoored and free way which can be quite wonderful and at times quite intense, even scary. Luckily there's a lot of support from the community practicing with you and the teachers so you can always get help, and really you always are getting help whether you overtly ask for it or not. So it all works out but I'm trying to sort sketch out to you this sense of what it's like even though it's way too varied and individual to be described really.
One thing I've often noticed during sesshin in my mind is that there's a way that in regular life we bounce off each other and our activities and the objects in our mind in a certain way that maintains perspective on our tendencies and foibles. If we look at ourselves honestly we all of us have many tendencies and quirks that are not so great. We all feel a little too sensitive or a little too pushy or a little too gruff or a little too….something. And in the course of our daily lives part of what we are doing in the millions of interactions per day is seeking reassurance and perspective that we aren't really that bad. Our social interactions in particular always have a little sense of "hi, please reassure me that I'm okay and I'll do the same for you." Which is why meeting someone new that we have some affinity for can be so scary. "She seems like a really cool person what if she refuses to validate me?" do you know that feeling. It's a fleeting feeling because 9 times out of 10 or maybe 99 out of 100 she is feeling exactly the same way and is more than happy to validate and support you in return for your validation and support of her. So there's a sort of loving and also very limiting, dampening I guess you could say, way that our social universe works as a kind of collective dream of "I'm okay, you're okay" or probably for most of us it's more like "I hope I'm okay, you're okay for sure so am I okay? Oh good, thanks."
And that social safety net which actually expands way beyond just interactions between people, the interactions between thoughts and emotions and objects and animals and actions and absolutely everything that happens all works in some ways like this. So we are okay in a way but in another way we're really held together with this collective duct tape and bailing wire and there is a lot of fear beneath the surface about what if it all fell apart. And our lack of understanding of this fragility of the normative self and the society that emerges from that kind of self is one of the underpinnings of society breakdown and disaster according to Buddhism. If people understood the real nature of self and other, understood the three marks of anattÄ, annica, and dukkha then they would be much less likely to be sucked into Nazi ideology or cooperate with Hutu militias killing Tutsis. There is some fear in our local society about what's going to happen if our fossil fuel economy starts to collapse, well one might say when it collapses, and there are groups trying to think about that and plan for that which is wonderful but I would also say that if people don't also spend time practicing directly with the nature of mind and self the best laid plans are likely to come to naught.
So anyway part of the design of sesshin is to remove a bunch of that support for the socially and busily reinforced self of tendencies and failings and limitations. To reduce our activity, to reduce our interactions, to remove conversation and talking altogether. To settle the mind in zazen in period after period. And then with support of teachings, sangha, and the example of Buddha to see what we can see.
One of the things that I often see and suffer with and work with is a tendency of this conditioned self to be overly involved in things. Maybe you're noticed that about me. It's a tendency I'm always working with in the relative world. Trying not to micromanage people or get in their faces too much, trying not to do everything around the center, around my house, at work, trying not to so much think of myself as so central and important, trying to give others space to find their own way. It's a tendency that bothers me and bothers others and something I'm always studying. And sometimes I also notice the positive side of that tendency with is energy and commitment and love actually. But mostly as the mind is conditioned to see the negative when we're looking at the self in this way that's what a see. Damn, I've done it again, I said something or did something that was hard on him; ohhhh, I think she felt a bit pushed by that. Or maybe I didn't even notice what happened and someone comes to me to give me feedback. Oooh, ouch I did it again. And I apologize and resolve to better and it's a very endless sort of thing.
It might be that in the light of awareness and practice and trying to see this for what it is I do it less. That is mostly likely true but you know is seems like there is no sort of absolute standard when dealing with personality traits that we can measure them against. When I am caught in this tendency I'm caught in it. It does not seem to reduce suffering to think to myself "oh but I bet I'm down to 11% being caught by this tendency versus 27% five years ago so I'm doing great, it's no big deal" when we are caught in aversive tendencies and emotions we're caught, we're upset, we're suffering. This is the duhhka of conditioned formations of believing so strongly in this idea of the self. This is where the anattÄ teachings come into play.
Because it's the imputation of a permanent self in there that is the real kind of kicker. That it's me and that it's my fault. That's what's hard. When someone trips and stubs their toe you feel badly for them. It's regrettable. You help them up and you feel sympathy and compassion for them. But when a personality tendency that seems to be your permanent possession springs out of you and knock that other person over you feel badly in a whole different way don't you? The self itself is threatened and diminished. Not only did you, you!, hurt someone but you understand the origins of that hurt to be a permanent and almost unstoppable force and then you really feel badly. Then you really suffer.
So anyway in my cause it's this kind of over-doing it and getting into things that are best left alone that I notice a lot in sesshin and my karma has led to lots of opportunities to study that because I'm often one of the organizers of the sesshin and then that line because what to do and what not to do is pretty elusive because there really is a lot I should actually be doing. It wouldn't be responsible to just sit back and not tell the Ino some crucial thing about the forms or the schedule. But which things should I say and which things shouldn't I say, it's pretty much impossible to see that line clearly so in the Red Cedar Zen retreats I'm constantly wandering back and forth across that line and trying to listen to feedback on when to advance and when to pull back and give the others time and space to sort it out without me. So it sounds a little silly to you maybe but this itself is a big part of my practice.
And that's why it's really important for those of us who get involved in such things to go to sesshin hosted by other sanghas. So you can experience sesshin in a more simple way. So a few weeks ago there I was at the sesshin hosted by Mountain Rain Zen Community north of the border at Loon Lake forestry camp. The priests there, Kate and Michael, and the other senior students did a great job putting it on and I had just a few responsibilities so I was really trying to do my best not to interfere, not to muddle around, just to be quiet and upright and do the practice. But I noticed an increasing worry in the mind, maybe I was still in more subtle ways interfering and being a nuisance. Taking up too much space. I wasn't constantly worried about this or anything. I was also really enjoying being there and getting to sit and be in the beautiful dark forest full of rain. Hard rain too, I was so glad I remembered the umbrella. But still little moments would arise where the impulse to get in there and instruct someone about how to ring a bell or which way to walk in or if we should exit the zendo now. I remember one time people in the dokusan line all looked to me to see if they should come back into the zendo.
Now if you haven't sat sesshin it's hard to explain how it is. You're making this big effort together towards being quieter and quieter. Interacting only in the formal ways of the Zen way. Not talking, not interfering, not coaching and reminding anyone. Letting people work it out. And you really work to trust the sesshin leaders both to have made the arrangements as best they can and to intervene and adjust things when they think it's necessary. As a participant you work with letting go of the mind of fixing and judgement and improvements. You work to realize that your brilliant suggestions for a better way to start kinhin or the ways the condiments are passed or whatever are (1) not that helpful to share with the leaders, (2) just a kind of entertainment and distraction the mind is generating which is drawing you away from practice of mindfulness of the present moment. So your work is not to tinker and improve beyond your specific responsibilities. And in this case beyond officiating in a few services and meeting with a couple of people in practice discussion I had no responsibilities or things to figure out. It was wonderful in a way and also disorienting. And still I worried about the little impulses that arise to help out beyond my brief. Those sort of sub-verbal words and gestures that you make before you think about what you're doing.
And then Kate, one of the priests, and a dear colleague whom I know to be sensitive to this quality of mine signed up to see me in practice discussion. And instantly this wave of fear and dread just rose up and carried me off. It was very intense. Instantly the idea came strongly up that Kate wanted to see me so she could chew me out for my meddling ways. I think even in that moment there was part of me that knew this was not the case but this huge wave of fear came up around that, and then soon on it's heels was anger: "this is a misuse of practice discussion, people should sign up to come and complain about me, they should come to explore their practice!" It was so sudden rising out of the quiet of sesshin and so shocking and I had cultivated some space in the mind by some days of sitting zazen that I was able to stop. To stop and think, "wow - this is fear and anger and fantasy, what's this all about?"
And then I saw a layer below that, "oh there is fear that this tendency of mine is going to prevent me from really being close or comfortable with Kate….well with everyone. There is fear that my personality is a kind of crippling thing that will permanently prevent true intimacy in my life." That was the underlying fear that came up.
And then I stood there a while, this was this big thing going on inside me while I saw starting there in front of practice discussion sign up sheet on the table outside the zendo. Goes to show if you see someone just standing there you never know what's going on inside them.
And then I saw in a kind of almost visual way that my personality, that the personality that arises out of this experience of being a person is not me in the way that it would have to be for all of this fear to make any sense. To be afraid that your personality will cause the world to reject you, you have to in a few literal and tight way thing that this personality is you. And in a moment there I saw that personality is not me, that it's a kind of shape. A kind of geometric shape almost. And that it's been formed by history and habit and influences. And that it's what I do seem to be destined to carry around but it's not me, it's a shape. Just a shape. And a shape with all kinds of qualities and surfaces, and as I was saying on Saturday with also various pokey bits that poke into the pokey bits on other people's shapes.
But given that I could see that this shape of personality was not me. Was not fixed. Was not real in that way, the fear could all poooof out of it like air pooofing out of a punctured balloon. I just have this shape, it's one of the things in the world, and like everything else it has to be attended to and dealt with and worked with and improved such as it can be. And for sure the meddling over-doing and getting in people's face that emerges from this personality shape actually is a lot less than it once was. But I don't have to fear for this shape, or worry about the shape, or apologize for the shape, or defend the shape, or be so worried about the shape. It's unfortunate that the shape is not perfect but it's not so darned personal, it's not a failing to have an imperfect shape. Lots of things are imperfect and the shape of your personality need not be a bigger problem than any other problem. And as we see this we realize also that our quest for the perfect shape of personality is endless and exhausting. Because as I described in sesshin, the more carefully you look the more imperfections you see anyway. And no one gets a perfect shape to start or a perfect shape after endless polishing. Sometime you might think that someone you admire has a perfectly shaped personality but of course sooner or later you find out that this was just your own fantasy.
It's also like the famous poem of the 6th ancestor isn't it?
Remember how the learned and respected shuso in the monastery offered up this poem to impress the teacher?
The body is a Bodhi tree,
the mind a standing mirror bright.
At all times polish it diligently,
and let no dust alight.
So that's what we do with our self we think to be real isn't it. We polish it diligently, we do our best to improve it.
And then the illiterate and spiritually gifted Hui Neng responded (well he had to have a buddy from the kitchen write it out for him):
Bodhi is no tree,
nor is the mind a standing mirror bright.
Since all is originally empty,
where does the dust alight?
This is not to say that the personality isn't real. Our conditioned selves to run in various patterns and ruts many of which are not so helpful to us, even a little harmful or a lot harmful. And karma is powerful and infallible. Every time you slip up and cause trouble there are troubles in return. Every time you find kindness and connection and help other beings there are positive results. This is another of Buddha's very essential and so-simple-it's-dumb to us teachings. Cause and effect always works. We can never do what we feel like in isolation, we are always in the context of all beings. And if our shape has huge bumps and cracks and myriad pokey bits we have to addend to that.
So I am no intending to invalidate psychology and taking care of our self. And they always say you need to be solid and confident of your self before you can really study it with enough space to lighten up around it and see other possibilities.
But psychology doesn't go far enough either. Pyschology is Shenxiu's was of practice. It is wonderful to improve your shape to become kinder, more open, more sweet. This is wonderful but it will backfire according to these teachings if you cling to your shape as you. Your personality as all your fault and all you are.
But to say that the what I had here was a little experience of anattÄ, of non-self - our personality is real but it's not really us in the way we so often believe it to be and then it's imperfections really upset us. We're bound to it and it's problems are our fault and our problem. So there is feedom in anattÄ - it's not a kind of negation of self, it's finding space an freedom in the psycho-physical-spiritual processes that we take for our solid self. So taking care of our tendencies and personality and psychology is important but if we can see if in this light we are lighter and freer and less upset by it all.
So that's a bit about anattÄ - non-self from one angle. There are many angles on this critical teaching and on the other hand if you think about it too much you just be tangled up. The key thing here seems to be to prepare the mind to cognize other possible ways of seeing yourself and seeing the world and then sit down and forget about it. That these teachings operate in the relative world of thinking and figuring out but they are also experienced directly in the absolute world. The world beyond concepts and ideas.
So we do meditation practice, both steadily over the years and when it's possible for more intense spurts. We keep sitting and studying and when things shift maybe you're be able to see something in a new way about yourself. And sometimes there might be recognizable cognitive shift - something you can talk about like I have been here. But more often it's subtle and quiet and gradual. The mind just gets softer, the heart more open, the self-concept less clingy. More often progress on the way is experienced as an absence of trouble which isn't really an experience at all. We are just less reactive, less upset, less angry, more open to just being with what is.
This is such a wonderful process. We are so convinced that we know ourselves inside and out but really we don't know much and all of our worrying about ourself doesn't seem to do a whole lot really but still we do it!
Here's another take on these teachings of non-self by the Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche who is the son of Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche and the head of Shambhala International. Cause and effect and anattÄ and a music video. So many ways of learning dharma!
Resident Priest Nomon Tim Burnett has been a student of Zoketsu Norman Fischer since 1987 when he was a resident at San Francisco Zen Center's Green Gulch Farm. After sitting practice periods at Green Gulch and Tassajara Zen Monastery, Tim helped found the Bellingham Zen Practice Group in 1991. Tim was ordained as a Zen Priest by Norman in June, 2000. Like his teacher, Tim is interested in the possibility of deep and complete practice by lay people.
A person of wide-ranging professional interests, Tim has been a botanist, elementary schoolteacher, writer, and computer programmer. In addition to his work at the Resident Priest of Red Cedar Zen Community, Tim works as a software developer.